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Joke of the Day

"What's the most dishonest creature in the sea? The Lionfish."

"As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you're left with the last idiot standing."

"Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?! Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope"

"Why Are Jews Considered Optimists? They cut a little off before they know how big it's going to be."

"What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam."

"Q.Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A. He was feeling crummy!"

"I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people's hands you've shook that didn't wash them after they used the bathroom."

"Why does Donald Trump hate China? They came up with building a wall before he did."

"Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I'm married to her and I don't even have a chance."

"I can't do this. I think I'm dying. Why does your face look like a donut? ~ me 30 minutes into dieting"