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Joke of the Day

"when a cop pulls me over i tell him i'm a nihilist and i don't believe in tickets or laws or authority. i do however now believe in tazers."

"The time for being a smartass isn't when someone is in a murderous rage. There's a discreet unmarked grave out there that'll attest to that."

"Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana"

"[mysterious British man rescues me] Me: How? Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond."

"What's the deal with Jerry Seinfeld? Did you ever notice he seems to start off all of his jokes in one of two ways?"

"Yesterday was international women's equality day and international dog day What a great day for bitches"

"Hey girl, why don't you treat me like a calculator... and give me them digits."

"Psychedelic Playthings... So I should probably stop covering my child's toys in LSD and leaving them out... ... I've heard they can be a trip hazard."

"Descriptivism is the right way of managing the English language, irregardless of what you think."

"Two tampons are walking down the street towards you, which one says hello? Neither, they're both stuck up cunts!"