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Joke of the Day

"I'm glad to see New York getting in the spirit of Halloween! New Orleans in 2005 was a great costume choice!"

"I'm 'confuses systems of measurement' centimetres old."

"The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along."

"No thanks, granola bars with no chocolate in them"

"We should replace Punxsutawney Phil with Ben Bernanke... that motherfucker also never gets it right."

"I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon."

"What does a casino and a prostitute have in common? They both fuck people for money."

"I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home. I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins."

"What does a gay guy call a sausage fest? Feeding Frenzy."

"Stop saying: ""That's what she said"" and say ""... said the priest to his lawyer"" instead"