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Joke of the Day

"I only believe 12.5% of the Bible... which means that I'm an eightheist"

"My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek'd PLEASE DON'T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid."

"What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with large breasts? One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean Credit; Dad"

"I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant. Please call your order in, 17 hours prior to your arrival."

"Where do you find a no-legged dog? Right where you left him."

"There's this dog teaching me some new dance moves. He's a corgi-ographer."

"Why do elephants where pink shoes? To hide in the grass. Have you ever seen an elephant with pink shoes? No? Good hiders, aren't they?"

"When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It's a, ""shit and run""."

"How does a racist joke start? A small loan of a million dollars."

"If the automated voice tells me they're experiencing ""higher than normal call volume"" every time I call, that is the normal call volume."