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Joke of the Day

"If the automated voice tells me they're experiencing ""higher than normal call volume"" every time I call, that is the normal call volume."

"This woman at work sounds just like me. I'm going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice."

"Wine improves with age, I improve with wine."

"What's the best part of having a kid? The chewy center."

"Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She's still not talking to me."

"I lost 12 pounds in a week. Good thing I'm not a big investor."

"[Xmas morning] wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins. ""dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree* me: JUST OPEN IT"

"If a hungry shark is after you what should you feed it? Jawbreakers!"

"I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it's from."

"Why did god kill all the herbivore dinosaurs? He liked his salads a little meteor."