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Joke of the Day

"Where do you find a no-legged dog? Right where you left him."

"I don't always drink.... What were we talking about again?"

"Gf: come over Me: can't, playing the new call of duty Gf: my parents are out of town Me: you're 30 years old, grow up"

"Ever wondered why there were no knock knock jokes about America? Freedom Rings."

"I have some things I need to get off my chest. I've been letting things pile up on it, and I'm pretty sure I left my checkbook in that chest. Hay-ooooooooooo!!!"

"Sometimes you need to look for the small positives in life. Like a midget with HIV."

"Good Cop: If you confess now, you'll probably just get probation. Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!"

"What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and maybe use some lube"

"""What do we call this war?"" ""The World War?"" ""No. There's already been 1 of those"" ""Uh this is a world war, too"" *the streetlights explode*"

"Paint thinner? Bullshit. Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat."