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Joke of the Day

"My physicist gf told me she loves me to the moon and back .... I don't know if she was referring to the Distance or Displacement."

"I don't trust left handed people. there is something not right about them."

"I cheated a guy in poker so he burnt down my house. I guess you could say it was a conflagration"

"[Olive Garden] PATRON: there are so many types of pasta WAITER: [required to say this] yes...*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless"

"I met the inventor of the crossword last week. Can't remember his name. P something T something R."

"Your mom doesn't understand Your dad doesn't understand Your friends don't understand But french fries, french fries understand you"

"New Feature exclusive to 2015/16 Chevy Trucks Magnetic Bumber; recover the parts as they fall off."

"Cat: Meow Me: Hi Cat: Meoww *picks up cat* Cat: Meowww *puts cat down* Cat: Meowwww *feeds cat* Cat: Meowwwww Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Take me to a bar on an empty stomach and see how quickly I can become much more entertaining than the entire cast of Jersey Shore."

"The death of Dumbledore helped me process the emotions I felt after losing my grandfather, who was also a well-respected homosexual wizard."