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Joke of the Day

"Based on how many times I've dropped my phone, I'm gonna hold off on the whole baby thing."

"Stealing mosquito repellent... Jacking Off!"

"What do you call a gorilla that's a member of a terrorist organization? Boko Harambe"

"What does a paedophile do at the beach? Lilo."

"4yo: When you're 9, you can drive Me: Pretty sure you have to be older 4yo: Some people can drive at 9 Me: A little older 4yo: Ya, it's 9"

"God: write this down Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot God: thou shalt have no- Moses: slow down, pal. It's gonna take me an hour to carve 'Thou'"

"I'm sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That's your new name now, there's nothing we can do about it."

"How to insult an elder in the museum. Say ""I would shake your hand, but the sign says ""Do not touch the artifacts.""""."

"What is every blonde's ambition in life? To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet."

"When I get Cheeto dust on my fingers I use it to draw warpaint on my face. I am serious as fuck about my Cheetos."