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Joke of the Day

"""Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!"" -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no."

"Why did the artist throw his eraser away? Because it wasn't *kneaded*"

"How did the farmer find his wife? He tractor down."

"Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? Because they always steal all of the green cards."

"What did Jennifer Lawrence say to Julius Caesar? ...""May the Ides be ever in your favor."""

"It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you've slept with"

"I think I missed the driver ed class on how inching forward every 5 seconds at a red light makes it turn green faster."

"I used to talk to my cat, but I stopped, because my dog told me I was crazy."

"Billions of years from now, Star Jones will expand and collapse in a brilliant explosion of cosmic matter and become Black Hole Jones."

"What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog."