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Joke of the Day

"Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread"

"What can conspiracy theorists never explain? They say that 9/11 was an inside job... but planes fly OUTSIDE. Can't explain that"

"What do you call a snake that makes a lot of noise when it eats? A slurpent."

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away. and pepper-spray keeps the blacks at bay!"

"It's easier to compliment a woman when you're traveling with a toddler. ""Son, say hi to the beautiful lady with the piercing green eyes."""

"With age comes wisdom... ...but sometimes age comes alone."

"Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I've never looked at a picture of someone's dinner and thought, ""If only I could hear this."""

"*On date* Her: hey, how are you? Me: yeah really g.. BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE."

"Listing all my single socks on match.com."

"Auto correct doesn't work when I use caps lock. My phone is like ""woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he's wrong"""