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Joke of the Day

"You've reached the Suicide Hotline. If you're clinically depressed, press 1. If you sent a tweet with a typo in it, press 2."

"5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don't like to? Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables. 5: Because Mom is scary? Bingo."

"What did the plant say to the runaway melons in love? You cantelope!"

"I just came home with 25 pairs of carpenter jeans. . . My wife thinks I'm building a new wardrobe. BTW original, thought I'd share."

"A priest, a rabbi, a horse, and a blonde walk into a bar... ...The bartender says, ""What is this, some kind of joke?"""

"I've spent 50% of my life learning how to live without drugs and alcohol and the other 50% happy."

"Having friends is... Like peeing your pants, every one can see it, but only you can feel the warmth."

"Whats the best christmas present? A broken drum You just can't beat it ba dum tisssssss"

"Dear Autocorrect, She's an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I'm never getting laid."

"Those rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don't they?"