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Joke of the Day

"I've spent 50% of my life learning how to live without drugs and alcohol and the other 50% happy."

"It's cold Son: Dad, it's so cold in here! Father: Go stand in the corner. Son: Why? Father: The corner is 90 degrees."

"What kind of sound does a horny toad make? Rubbit, rubbit."

"""Did you just say something?"" ""Uhhh nope?"" ""Really? I could swear you just asked me if I wanted a hotdog."" ""No I didn't."" ""Good, because I'm vegan."""

"Ariel was a minor and couldn't sign a legally binding contract. You'd think the king of the ocean's lawyers could get that shit thrown out."

"""So sir, have you decided whether or not you'd like to buy this mattress?"" ""I'll sleep on it"""

"How do you confuse an idiot? 44"

"What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheelchair gets in the way."

"Jared Fogle was guilty and got 16 years He was just grateful for anything under 18. Credit to SNL that joke might have converted me to watch."

"How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number, you probably never heard of it."