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Joke of the Day

"Look at me! I'm a morning person! Let's work out! Get worms! Drive garbage trucks! Use exclamation points!"

"Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police! Her: Calm down, where are they now? Me: Still ringing the doorbell"

"When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like ""You're Doing A Great Job"""

"What was post office worker's sexuality She was attracted to mails"

"How do you make a cat sound like a dog? You light on fire. *woof*"

"What's worse than a cardboard box? Paper tits."

"I did a theatrical performance about puns.. Really it was just a play on words."

"Every time I have a big bowel movement I say thank you to my digestive system. For putting up with my shit."

"Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though. She's really good at that."

"Bernie Sanders again topped in campaign contributions with most of donations being small contributors... Leave it to a fuckin' jew to rob poor plebs of all their money!"