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Joke of the Day

"*calls boss* Me: I can't come to work. Boss: Why not? Me: Gotham city needs me. Boss: ...You're not Batman. Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly."

"There is a tribe in Africa that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?"

"Put my grandma on speed dial Call that Instagram. My friend told me this a little while ago."

"If you get butterflies in your stomach You should probably stop eating insects"

"What do you call a stoner dinosaur? A Smokealottapottapus."

"There was a convention for lazy-eyed bachelors and bachelorettes. There was a massive turn out: Most of them ended with a perfect mate.... You could say that their eyes crossed in a crowded room."

"Why are Asians such bad drivers? Because you can blind them with dental floss"

"i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it"

"UGH. When I text girls that I have standards, I really need to stop abbreviating the word standards to STDs."

"I once asked my mom about the time I was conceived... ...she replied:"" Son, you were simply a blowjob gone awry."""