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Joke of the Day

"SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt? ME: no thank you i don't want any proof that i've eaten here"

"What did the fisherman say to the street magician? Pick a cod, any cod!"

"Did you know that Hitler invested in Minute Maid before he died? He heard they were 100% concentrated juice."

"Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee"

"Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand."

"How are cats like empty wine bottles? I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both."

"What did 1 volcano say to another volcano? That ash."

"Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once."

"Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she's calling the cops!"

"What do you call the amount of time it takes to win an argument with a lawyer? An attornity."