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Joke of the Day

"Imagine getting the girl of your dreams phone number and her first text to you she spells it ""definately"""

"Did you hear that Trump said he'd eliminate food safety regulations? It's the only way they can bring Trump steaks back."

"1 in 5 children faces hunger... So why not turn the 5th kid around?"

"A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, ""What will you have?"" The seals says, ""Anything but a Canadian Club."""

"Where are the cleanest bathrooms on college campuses? The women's bathrooms in the engineering building. Credit to /u/The_Messiah"

"Why can't you fight an accountant ? They'll always out number you!"

"I was going to write a novel but I may just print out all my tweets and dedicate it to my parents not loving me enough."

"I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?"

"Do you know who I saw yesterday? Everyone I looked at"

"Impatient means she's restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital... Learned that one the hard way."