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Joke of the Day

"i jacked off into the toilet and tried to flush but the cum seems to always stay afloat..... well,what do you know...... I got great swimmers!!!"

"So I'm going to start a business offering landscaping, painting, moving and other handy man services called Manuel labor"

"What did the grand child say to his drowning grandpa? Paddle Pop!"

"Why did the apple pie get fired from his job? Because he showed up baked."

"I'm human, but I never got to go to space. Dogs and monkeys *aren't human, but they did. That's the gist of my lawsuit against NASA."

"COP 1: whys there a dead scuba diver in the forest?? COP 2: easy...he was in the water they drop on forest fires WEIRD SERIAL KILLER: no no NO"

"Whenever I call my husband to wash the dishes, I am reminded what a great lover he is. He never comes quickly."

"My girlfriend just told me she has a STD... I'm Gonorrhoea-valuate our relationship"

"LPT: Microwave your spoon first to make scooping out ice cream easier. It warms up the spoon and makes the process less frustrating."

"I've been out of work for a while but have just got a job at a factory making periscopes. Things are looking up."