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Joke of the Day

"Damn girl, are you a jar of pickles? Because I think I NEED to bang you on my kitchen counter."

"Sales of Advent calendars down by 80% this year It looks like their days are numbered"

"I saw a woman with 12 breasts. Sounds strange, dozen tit?"

"Dyslexia didn't stop Mark Twain being a great writer He didn't even suffer from it."

"I wasn't going to buy Thrift Shop on iTunes... But it was .99 cents!"

"My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I'm skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with."

"A 6'-6"" guy doesn't scare me, but my 5'-1"" wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married."

"I saw a kidnapping this afternoon.. so i woke i'm up. Hahaha"

"Girl: I want bangs Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen"

"The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle."