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Joke of the Day

"You're Like The End Of The Bread... Everybody touches you, but nobody wants you."

"My wife texted me at lunch ""Window's frozen"" ""Pour warm water on it, then lightly tap the edges with a hammer and chisel"" I replied. Ten minutes later, she called back. ""We need a new computer now""."

"""You always overreact and make things dramatic. It's really annoying."" *raises megaphone to lips* How so?"

"What did the blonde say when she saw Cheerios? Donut seeds."

"What can walk over the water, but can travel under the water without getting wet? Jesus in a submarine."

"People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder."

"What did the pirate with a steering wheel in his pants say when he couldn't remember why it was there? Arrrh, it's driving me nuts"

"I think mascots are the hardest roles for actors to play. They really have to get into their characters."

"Only a few of you have figured out that in every tweet I've ever written I've been subtweeting Pitbull."

"Proud of myself. I only ate 1 brownie today. I mean, it was cut up into 8 very large pieces and took up the whole pan but yeah, 1 brownie."