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Joke of the Day
"Child: Dad, I don't like the goldfish... Dad: Shut up and eat your dinner."
Next Joke
"7:55 pm: Pours Diet Coke over fries to prevent self from eating them. 8:03 pm: Eats soggy Diet Coke fries."
"What do you call a helpful potato? A Facilitater"
"If you play Titanic backwards it's about a guy who rises from the sea, bangs a ginger and tries to throw her over the railing of a boat."
"The best time to reevaluate your life is when the online video you're watching is buffering"
"Found my 16yr old daughters Twitter today, made her deactivate it...after I copied all of her best material to my draft folder of course"
"Reeva Steenkamp deserved to be shot she shouldn't have been using the disabled toilet. Jimmy Carr."
"Me: I'm going across the street to get a beer. Priest: You can't bring a beer in here. This is a church. Me: I can if it's in my stomach."
"What does your mom and my fantasy football team have in common? As soon as I put money on them, they suck."
"Why'd the squirrel fall out of the tree? Because it was dead."