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Joke of the Day

"I used to crush cans for a living, didn't like it though... It was soda pressing."

"Today is national suicide prevention day.. so remember.. If you see any suicide bombers...... Shoot them."

"Why did the knight stop using the internet? Because he was sick of chainmail."

"Did you hear about the unfashionable mechanic? He needed to change attire. (I'm probably too proud of myself for making this one; someone's almost definitely done it before.)"

"I saw a homeless man and gave him $1.00. I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77."

"Murdered for immortality. Received life sentence."

"My grandfather's broken watch is just as relevant today as it was in the 50s It's a timeless piece, really."

"I took the shell off of my racing snail.... I thought it would make him go faster, but if anything it made him more sluggish."

"Who's the most popular guy in the nudist camp? The one who can carry two cups of coffee AND a dozen donurs!"

"A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind. And now, we wait..."