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Joke of the Day

"Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have..."

"Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?"

"Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won't notice that I'm sitting at their table eating their bread sticks."

"I have the body of an 20 year old... ...but it's starting to stink up my basement so I'm thinking I'm gonna burn it."

"Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses like a mom who just found out school is closed."

"A gun is like my penis.... On cold lonely nights sometimes I stick the end of it in my mouth"

"Life is like a box of chocolates. They're cheaper the day after Valentine's Day."

"A German man and woman are having sex, and an American walks in... The American shouts ""Gross!"" and turns away. The German man looks toward him and smiles, saying ""Danke!"""

"Next time you're at the gym close your eyes. It sounds like you're in a porno.."

"[in the insect dissection room] Your fly is open."