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Joke of the Day

"ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing? PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don't know."

"Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she's not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I'm not digging her grave in the garden."

"What do you do if a black man is harassing you? Tell his owner."

"Why were all the girls looking at the piece of paper? Because it was ripped."

"When in history was there ever an abundance of birds and a shortage of stones?"

"What do you call a terrible performance of Han Solo: The Musical? A rebel without applause."

"Mumford & Sons! It's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you're looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*"

"Halo? more like..... GAYLO!!!!!!!"

"Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should've cooked it on aloha temperature.."

"HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER."