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Joke of the Day

"She's got the face of an angel, a heart of gold, & a body that won't quit. Who cares that she curses like a trucker and drinks like a fish."

"Helping a few people complete their bucket list so they will just die already."

"BOSS: I need to see you in my office ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright"

"What's the difference between Russian football fans and an old drunkard in a bar at closing time? Kicking the old drunkard out won't start world war III."

"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was out standing in his field."

"[high seas] FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack PIRATE: Arr! FIRST MATE: Oh sorry...the men ""are"" ready to attack"

"i am practicing how to die in photogenic positions"

"Be like Mario! Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!"

"Best place to hide stuff? Page two in Google search results!"

"A man phones work and says ""Sorry, but I can't come in today, I'm really sick."" The boss asks, ""How sick are you?"" ""Well..."" the man replies ""I'm in bed with my mother."""