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Joke of the Day

"A cop stopped me & asked ""do you know why I followed you"" so I said ""cause my tweets are funny"" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in jail."

"""Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!"" ""DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!"""

"How much do all the bones in the human body weigh? A Skele-Ton. Thanks, I'll see my way out."

"I caught a disease on my trip to Sparta... The doctor says I have Leonitis"

"What's E.T. short for? Because he's got little legs."

"The problem was that everyone was poking my ex on Facebook. And in my bed And on my couch And in my car And when I was at work"

"I recently bought a spinning chair... My girlfriend was super pissed about my purchase. Until I let her sit on it. I guess you could say she... *came around*."

"How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his dinner before it was cool."

"Just took an opposite selfie of something I saw. Elsie? Otherie? Seeie? Oh, photo. Got it."

"News of Whitney Houston's death traveled with such speed. When I heard I couldn't help but crack up with emotion. She was a real heroin. It's such a blow. She really made a hash of things though."