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Joke of the Day

"If I played Edward Scissor Hands in paper, rock, scissors every once in a while I'd throw a paper in there so he wouldn't feel too bad."

"I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites."

"Calculus joke Epsilon is wandering around. Suddenly he sees his friend Delta. ""Delta, it's good to see you! But what are you doing here?"" Delta replies, ""Oh, I was just in the neighborhood."""

"Beer:""You know what would be funny?"" Me:""No. What?"" Beer:""Really? Finish me and have four more then I'll ask again."" Me:""Yes, sir."""

"*calls mom* ""Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today"" *long pause* ""Mom?"" *mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears* ""Mom?"""

"I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. My wife is in for a treat tonight."

"VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions"

"Why don't you want a turkey at your thanksgiving dinner? Because it'll gobble up everything."

"My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, ""Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart."" She tagged my sister."

"This earthquake was the first time that I've ever said, ""it was 4.7, but felt bigger."""