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Joke of the Day

"Bikini season is right around the corner...But so is Chipotle"

"Magnus Carlsen is so hot... I'd give him the d4 if you know what I mean."

"Dating tip: Don't offer to pay. It's a sign of weakness. Build trust through mutual agreement to steal. No one suspects the ""happy couple."""

"My wife said she wouldn't have sex with me until I did everything on the ""To-Do list"" So I scratched out **#1** ""*Wash the car*"" and replaced it with ""*Have a three-some with Becky and Wife*"""

"My doctor just told me I'm suffering from paranoia. Well he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what he was thinking."

"*Weather changes* BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack. *Anything else changes* MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack."

"England vs USA. Loser gets New Jersey."

"Police hunting a man for indecent assault. Applications close next week."

"hey it's me, the girl who just googled ""chemistry alphabet"" when i meant ""periodic table"""

"I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me."