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Joke of the Day

"Two pieces of asphalt are at a bar A piece of red asphalt walks in. One says to the other ""watch out for him, he used to be a cyclepath""."

"Tweets My Dad Shits."

"My girlfriend called me a pervert... but what does she know, she's only 13 years old."

"Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc."

"""Hello, 911"" Hi it's Mickey my dog is hurt bad ""Is it Goofy or Pluto?"" I don't see how- ""Goofy or Pluto?"" Pluto ""Call a vet"" *hangs up*"

"My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis."

"How do you have a sexy barbecue? You grill the sausage."

"My calculus professor recently divorced his wife .. .. one day he simply told her ""I'm making a you substitution""."

"Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any problem."

"Why was Jared Fogle upset? Because he was sentenced to over 15 years in prison."