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Joke of the Day

"*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today* Back again? Forget something? -Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?"

"GOD: let's make an armored raccoon that turns into a bowling ball ANGEL: but why wou- GOD: and we'll call it an armadillo for some reason"

"I was going to start my diet today, but as it turns out pizza still exists, so..."

"I wish people would stop asking me where I think I'll be in 5 years... I don't have 2020 vision."

"There are 1000 shopping carts inside this Walmart, yet I always pick the one with the wheel that makes everyone look like a meth addict."

"""How do you perform mediation?"" ""Meditation? Uuuummmmmmm........"""

"[roommate hears me come in] ""how was the date?"" [face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I'm allergic to shellfish"

"""Don't dip your pen in company ink."" - HR training seminar explaining why I shouldn't sleep with the receptionist...I think."

"Working in porn for the free sex is like working at Chipotle for the free burritos Yeah, you're getting paid, but it destroys your asshole"

"Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ""Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?"""