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Joke of the Day

"Top advice for resumes: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes. Ex. - First-hand job experience = good. First hand-job experience = bad."

"I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts."

"Guy says to a girl, please give me a... ....blowjob."" The girl says, ""can't you be more romantic?"" So the guy says, ""ok, give me a blowjob in the rain."""

"My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver."

"What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you can't pee soup."

"hello, hello ! 911 ? 911 ? Yes, Sir, what happened ? ""I think my wife's dead"". ""What happened, Sir ?"" ""Well...she's lying in bed, cold and stiff as usual, but the dishes haven't been done in 3 days !"""

"""Do me a solid"" just sounds like you're asking someone to poop for you and that's kinda gross."

"Microsoft will start making ... vacuum cleaners. It will be the only thing they make that doesn't suck."

"I'll never forget what my grandmother said to me right before she passed away. She said to me *""What are you doing?!?""*"

"A penguin walks into a bar and asks ""Has my brother been in here?"" And the bartender says ""I don't know. What does he look like?"""