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Joke of the Day

"You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother."

"What do you call a man with no arms and no legs inside a volcano? Anakin Skywalker. (Happy Geek Pride Day!)"

"Mall walkers: never has anyone taken so seriously something that's so seriously ridiculous."

"Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country? 2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?"

"Over the weekend, the new ""Godzilla"" movie came out. I don't know how Godzilla doesn't hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece."

"TIFU by locking up an underage girl in my sex dungeon Whoops, wrong sub"

"lucifer: let's give them free will and see how they choose God: nice lol I'm gunna steal your idea and send you to hell lucifer: what?"

"(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?"

"Driving isn't even in the top 5 things I'm thinking about when I'm driving."

"I'd never appear on Leno now because I have strict ethical standards, so next time you're watching Leno and you don't see me that's why."