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Joke of the Day

"[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*"

"How does a orphan change a light bulb? They grab the stack of un-signed adoption papers, stand on top of them, then proceed to change the light bulb."

"I'm sitting outside drinking myself into a stupor. I may feel like shit tomorrow but by God, so will the mosquitoes."

"I'm thinking about buying a greyhound, don't know what the wife is going to say so I'll run it by her first."

"Which bird is always out of breath ? A puffin !"

"How many ants does it take to own an apartment? 10 . It requires tenants to own an apartment."

"They say jokes lessen tragedy Is that why my parents became comedians after having me?"

"This girl on tinder was so ugly I swiped left, pay for the undo just so I can swipe left again."

"Got a Handjob from a Blind Girl last night... She said ""You have the biggest dick i've ever put my hands on"" I said ""Nah, you're pulling my leg"""

"It's crazy they couldn't shut bob marleys coffin when he died It kept jammin"