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Joke of the Day

"I can't wait until humans move to a new planet and someone says, 'Remember having 24-hour days?' and some jerk responds, 'First world problems.' -Geoffrey Asmus"

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"An Elephant walks into a bar bartender asks why long nose. Elephant: Mind your own fucking business."
"If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you!"
"Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres just drowned? They found her face down in Ricki Lake"
"David Cameron's legacy David Cameron will go down in history as the man who fucked up his campaign, fucked up his job, and fucked up a dead pig."
"Why is the alcoholic law student sad? Because he couldn't pass the bar."
"Yo mama so old.. when she was young the hottest boygroup was Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John."
"Why does the NSA only do anal? Because they backdoor their way into everything."
"[Hospital front desk] ""Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-"" *wife hits me* ""Baby delivery, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"""
"This morning I made my coffee with an energy drink instead of water. Fifteen minutes on the highway later I realized I forgot my car in the garage."