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Joke of the Day
"How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Only Juan"
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"What did the really ugly man do for a living ? He posed for Halloween masks !"
"OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL! Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea"
"i like my women like i like my coffee roasted, ground up, and suspended in hot water"
"Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra"
"[sees kid crying in grocery store] hey little guy [kneels down to his level] Can you please move you're blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?"
"""You have to be pretty bad at math to use a calculator to check 3rd grade homework."" -My smartass kid to me just now."
"I hate when people say ""She's out of your league"" Just because I'm in the majors, and she's a minor. Doesn't mean it can't happen."
"A pirate with a parrot on his shoulder was applying for a job. His resume spoke for itself."
"Peter Dinklage is a Star! He is a White Dwarf."