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Joke of the Day

"Why did the moth go into the dentist's office? The light was on."

"Daniel Day-Lewis walks into a bar. Bartender says, ""What'll it be?"" but he already knows because he's also Daniel-Day Lewis."

"Did you know that you're allowed to pull over a cop on your birthday? Try it!"

"Why did the bike not go to the gym? BECAUSE IT WAS TOO TIRED :D:D:D:D:D:D"

"ME: You've put on weight DRACULA: No I haven't. Prove it ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into? DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload"

"I needed a password at least eight characters long ... ... so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs..."

"What dinosaur has the best vocabulary? The bronthesaurus."

"I've never been put in the ""friend"" zone, but I have been put in the ""please don't tell my friend's"" zone."

"Facebook needs a ""settle down"" button you tap on a friend's profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately."

"I'd say go to hell, but I don't want to see you again."