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Joke of the Day

"Why don't baseball players get much action? Because they have foul balls."

"I bite my nails, but you would never be able to tell because I wear socks with my sandals"

"Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir? Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?"

"Did you hear about the water thief-turned-photographer? Apparently he was a great pitcher-taker. (Credit goes to my husband.)"

"TIL there are 45000 breatharians in the U.S. 44999, # 44998..."

"Honesty is an important part of parenting. That being said, I'm going to tell my kids that McGruff the Crime Dog is a dog that loves crime."

"I apologize to everyone that I've ever offended. Just kidding. Could you imagine?"

"What do whiteblood cells and Trump have in common? They hate foreigners."

"I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don't like her new haircut."

"Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)."