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Joke of the Day

"How Can You Tell It's Fall In Florida? When the color of the license plates start to change."

"Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!"

"I'm not a great lap dancer, I've got two left cheeks."

"An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor. He ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, Crushed nuts? No, he said. Arthritis."

"I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach. Please RT."

"I just want to be rich enough to say ""that won't be necessary"" when the police go to handcuff me"

"[office meeting] BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs? SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y'all lookin' at me?"

"Are knee pads... ... the perfect gift, for givers?"

"My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies. Then I eat them all by myself. Screw those kids."

"Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped. Her: I can hear you. Me: she could hear me"