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Joke of the Day

"Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped. Her: I can hear you. Me: she could hear me"

"I don't think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful."

"So a man is alone in a forest And if his wife isn't around to hear him. Is he still wrong?"

"What do you call a cow thats had a hysterectomy? Decaffeinated."

"What does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten tickles."

"[On The Cross] Jesus:""Father, forgive them, fore they know no-"" Voice from the crowd:""DO THE WINE TRICK"""

"Why is a doctor always calm? He got a lot of patients"

"The Wolf of Wall Street broke the record for saying the f-word 506 times The previous record was held by my dad putting together a table from IKEA."

"Why did Mubarak and Gaddafi get dehydrated? They didn't want water from the Arab Spring."

"What does a bee do with his stinger at night? Put it in his honey."