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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scot? One says ""hey, you, get off of my cloud"", and the other says ""hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe""."

"[buzzfeed 1776] 21 Declarations You Won't Believe!"

"So if pro's are the opposite of con's... Then what is the opposite of progress?"

"You guys have been the worst hostages I've ever used, hands down. *everyone lowers their hands* GODDAMN IT!!"

"If wishes were fishes... ...life would be pretty crappie"

"Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should've considered."

"Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we'll decide if it's positive or negative."

"What is Superman's favorite thing to eat for breakfast? A Bag-El"

"I sleep better naked. Why is this flight attendant unable to understand that?"

"How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to assure that everything possible is being done about the situation and the other one to screw it into the faucet."