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Joke of the Day

"How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That's not funny."

"What is the worst part about going to Auschwitz? Your dreams are not the only thing going up in smokes."

"Where are you when you're in the U.K. waiting for Vietnamese soup? Pho queue"

"When people ask me why I got into drumming I always tell them it's because really enjoy beating off in front of crowds"

"Who him? Oh that's just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter- *saxophone solo* INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS."

"If someone wants something their whole life, and you make it happen after they die, that is so goddamned mean. What are you even thinking"

"I ordered a new joke in the mail... It's pretty funny, but I haven't quite gotten the delivery yet"

"No sane person argues with their GPS as much as I do."

"Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Those dirty bastards."

"5: I want to do something no one else has ever done. Me: Help me clean? 5: No. Something fun."