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Joke of the Day

"Accidentally watched a few minutes of The Bachelor and now I can't remember a single state capitol."

"Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That's what adulthood's like."

"you may have noticed my signature fedora, my signature has a little fedora drawn on it to look like it is wearing one"

"They say honesty is the best policy, but quite frankly, I think a million-dollar life insurance policy on a super old dude sounds better."

"Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills? To prevent Hispanic attacks"

"Is your refrigerator running? If so, I'll vote for it."

"On one hand, your leaving a wadded up Kotex on the bathroom floor is a great appetite suppressant. On the other hand, that's fucking gross."

"Why is Dublin the capital of Ireland? Cause it keeps on Dublin and Dublin."

"wonder why's theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap"

"I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee."