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Joke of the Day

"Billy where is your homework? ""im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it"""

"Me: let's try to catch snowflakes on our tongues! Wife: but we're inside.?. Me: shhhh, just close your eyes."

"Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans."

"What did the Mississippi girl say when she lost her virginity? Get off me Daddy you're crushin' my cigarettes."

"Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 20 years? Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 20 years? Michael Jackson"

"When I asked my girlfriend why she was breaking up with me, she said ""Because you're a pedophile!"". I replied ""That's an awfully big word for a twelve year old."""

"People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text ""LOL"" should be punched in the neck. Your not fooling anybody. You weren't LOLing that long."

"[being mugged] ME: can i keep things of sentimental value? ROBBER: ok ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash...my lucky debit card"

"I went to the psychiatrist today I told him that I have started hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist."

"""Hey, what's that Febreeze that smells like Fireball?"" Yeah, non-alchoholics call that cinnamon."