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Joke of the Day

"When I get naked in the bathroom the shower usually gets turned on."

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"If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have? No chance of blocking an uppercut."
"Why do hipsters drink coffee so quickly? They want to finish before it's cool."
"It's HOMOsapiens, not HETEROsapiens. It's the Bi-ble, not the Straight-ble."
"ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something"
"My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza. We laughed and laughed. Then I fired him."
"Did you hear about the new divorcee Barbie? She comes with all of Ken's stuff."
"Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven."
"A curious tradition -- to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, ""Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me."""
"I went to a chyropracter today Oops, I meant a chiropractor. I stand corrected."