68266

Joke of the Day

"Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle."

"That's it. I'm quitting cold turkey. But damn Thanksgiving leftovers are so good. I need my fixin's."

"Why is the middle east the best place to open a store at the moment? Because business is booming."

"What do Asgardians use to keep food hot? A Thormos."

"I was really hesitant about this new haircut at first.... ...but I'm starting to like it you know. It's really growing on me. Sorry I'll leave now."

"The principal at my school called me in to his office today. He said ""I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?"" No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it."

"I lift the toilet seat to take a piss and my girlfriend forgot to flush and the water is red. My first thought.... ...do we have any juice boxes in the fridge?"

"I recently learned my friend likes to be dominated by his girlfriend in bed. I wouldn't have pegged him for that."

"I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler"

"There's a marble statue of Mr. Peanut sculpted by Michaelangelo in the basement of the Sistine Chapel that only the popes know about"