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Joke of the Day

"How do you get in the 'Public Urination Club'? Walk up to the nearest police officer and you're in."

"a seemingly perfect utopia immediatley becoms a dystopia when u find out evryone refers to eachother by watever their first email adress was"

"IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS"

"Why don't Raggedy Ann & Andy have any children? Cotton balls"

"No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn't follow through on at the end of the year, I'd get married again."

"Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you're murdered your chalk outline won't just be the same old boring shit."

"I worry my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe a vision of how much worse it could have been."

"How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb 2, but don't ask me how they got in there."

"You're a loose cannon, Detective. Hand in your badge. AND your gun. AND your badge that is actually a gun. AND your gun that shoots badges."

"I always suspected that Matthew McConaughey was a rebel. That suspicion was confirmed when I saw what he wore every single day after Labor Day. All white, all white, all white."