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Joke of the Day

"Back in high school, I had this very bad beard and everyone would make fun of for it... So I had to start using a razor to *shave* face"

"Been talking to this girl for 10 mins and she hasn't slapped me OR called me ""gross""... Hope she's ok with the names I picked for our kids."

"Sometimes I wish I was a dinosaur, but then I remember they didn't have nipples."

"SURVIVAL TIP If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you're stoned"

"I enjoy much more playing lots of videogames then having sex with Emma Watson.. In that particular order."

"What do you call a smiling Roman with a hair in his teeth? Gladiator."

"If I had any self control I'd probably eat that too."

"Oh I'm sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!"

"If your kid's shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity."

"Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You would too if your name was ""adkwodrtrgfvnfif"""