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Joke of the Day

"i legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I'm in NYC"

"What do you call an alligator that wins a race? A chompion. (7-year old me thought he was very clever.)"

"It's that time of year I'm just going to say it now so I can say I said it first I'll see you guys next year Now shut the fuck up with that joke"

"Think of this election like turning on a racetrack You do have two decisions but it probably won't be right."

"A ham sandwich walks into a bar. Sits down. The bartender comes over and the ham sandwich says: > I'd like a triple of bourbon, neat. Bartender says: > I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

"My buddy drowned the other day I placed a life jacket in his coffin It's what he would've wanted"

"I'm at my parenting best when I randomly yell out ""be careful!"" every few minutes without looking up from my phone."

"My friend Phillip got his lip removed yesterday.. we call him Phil now"

"Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant."

"What does a cab driver have in common with a pool cue ball? The harder you hit them, the more english you get out."