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Joke of the Day

"i legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I'm in NYC"

"I like my cigarettes like my Instagram. \#nofilter Edit: learned formatting"

"Whats the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never paid good money to have a lentil on my chest"

"Why don't Boxers have sex before a fight? They don't like eachother"

"People always say to do exercise, I do Breathing... Could I be more WORKING!"

"I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.."

"How many people live in South America? A Brazilian."

"If a woman puts me in the friend zone I immediately borrow money from her and never pay it back because that's what friends do."

"Hillary Clinton is going to be the first f president... ... Oops, I meant to say female but someone deleted the emale"

"A dad walks into his son's room... A dad walks into his son's room and says: ""Son, how many times have I told you... If you keep masturbating, you'll go blind."" The son responds: ""Dad! I'm over here."""