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Joke of the Day

"3 days ago I ate my daughters's m&m's while she was napping. When she woke I told her the cat ate 'em She's still mad at the cat. Dumb kid."

"I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I'm doing at life"

"In the event of death... find peace in Trump."

"I'll pay extra for the hairdresser comfortable with silence."

"Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big? Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don't talk."

"My friend attempted to make a cocktail... but she didn't have the Bols."

"Cinderella What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged!"

"I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the ""caulk"""

"Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put ""who rescued who?"" stickers on your car... you drive me crazy! Clearly it's ""who rescued whom?"""

"What does the handyman who has no legs wear on his head? The handycap."