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Joke of the Day

"The Mafia have decided to update it's operations to keep up with internet trading. Their first venture is called Pay-Up-Pal"

"What was the last thing that the homeless man heard before becoming a giant? Go big or go home"

"Calm down with that charm bracelet, lady. Every time you move your hand I look around for Santa's sleigh."

"Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?"

"Why do the ladies love Jesus? Because he was hung like this! (spread arms out)"

"I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, 'change color and escape in a cloud of ink'"

"What did the cool dinosaur say to his mating partner? Dino-mate!"

"I try to live each day like it's my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?"

"[pet store] Me *looking at snakes* ""CAN I FEED THEM?"" Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure. Me *putting my kids in tank*"

"Which elf likes to click pictures? sELFie"