198727

Joke of the Day

"[pet store] Me *looking at snakes* ""CAN I FEED THEM?"" Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure. Me *putting my kids in tank*"

"Me: I'd invite you in but my place is a mess Friend: That's OK. I don't mind M: The mess tho F: Don't be silly M: I don't want u in my house"

"Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby. Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you."

"Have you heard the new Google Glass ad? You can talk to your mate while they are sitting on you face!"

"I like my women just like my wine... 14 years old and locked up in the basement."

"Oh you got ""Swag""? Don't forget to put that on your Burger King Application."

"Sorry people with seeing eye dogs that say 'No petting'. What you can't see won't hurt you."

"*walks into Best Buy* *points to CDs* ""May I have 4 sound bagels please"""

"Matthew Broderick just became the ""mare"" of Sarah Jessica Parker on Horsesquare."

"Why did the sheriff arrest the tree? Because its leaves rustled."